; call him mine


there's something going on between us. the intimacy is bewildering. why he chose to share secrets with me, someone he just knew rather than friends he had for years.

he's said nothing, and neither have i.

all i know is, i DON'T WANT another repeat of the jiahao or adam incident.

what is wrong with win's friends.. honestly. one after another..

; my all


i'm thinking of you in my sleepless solitude tonight
if it's wrong to love you then my heart just won't let me be right


ALWIN TEO YU MING.

I'M ADMITTING IT OKAY?

I MISS YOU. I FUCKING MISS YOU.

; last thing on my mind


You sent me this song Win. Do you remember?

You're online on my list, but you're not talking to me. Are you too busy with your Wowing, or are you just plain ignoring me, so as not to lead me on?

I miss talking to you. I miss seeing your window flashing at 5:53am in the morning. Even the texts I sent, though you reply them, they're so cold, and straight to the point.

Whatever happened to us?

I've just moved you up in my groups. Right below mine, *angel from above.

It's difficult, trying to act all happy and chirpy when the lonliness is raging so fiercely within. But I refuse to let it out. I don't wanna bore the friends with my endless emo-ness. I get tired of it. They get tired of it too. This is my only private space to whine as much as I want now..

Jiayi was so suprised when she heard that I was fond of you. "Why Alwin?!" with this look of utter astonishment and bewilderment. And when we talked about compatibilty, she was like.. "Not really." Panic attack for me, "Why, am I not pretty enough?" ): but she went "No, he's not good looking enough for you."

People have been telling me, they don't think you're worth it.

Wanwin is firm on her stand though. She wants me to tell you how I feel, and not give up on you. But.. to throw myself at you.. I can't make myself do that. The sting of rejection is something I'm afraid to go through again. What if I can't pick myself up one more time?

The trouble is, to risk nothing at all, is to risk everything.

Adam told me he's in love with me today. Out of the blue, though I did suspect something along those lines. Still, he said nothing at all and his outburst today was startling.

Would it matter to you? Or would you just shrug it off?

I wish you would care, but at the same time, the thought of another Jiahao episode worries me. Until now you've never admitted what it was about Jiahao that upsetted you.

When will you tell me Win?

Is it because of jealousy? Just plain jealousy that your friend was getting close to another friend you acquainted her with, or the green eyed monster because there are deeper feelings than platonic involved?

I won't know if you don't tell me.

; forever love


He once said I was blind, and I guess I am. Reading the logs, I realise that our conversations tend towards tension everytime I mention Jiahao. And on his side, comments like "Go talk to Jiahao la" are a little more than occasional.

We were texting after a quarrel the night before, over something really.. miniscule and pointless. I remember him telling me he was going to play Wow, and I told him I was hanging with Jiahao. After, he refused to sell me the two tickets he promised. Which really upsetted me, and I said pretty harsh, strong words which I regretted. And when I tried to make up with him some days later, he was nasty.

i hate you for who you are la huh. just fuck off already. i don't wish to even regard you as a friend.

That.. was that I guess. Texts were unreplied. And I finally admitted, I loved him. Honestly.. I was unsure myself of the feelings. Platonic love, definitely. Romantic? I don't know..

He was firm. He created a new email because I had the password to his old account.

This went on until Jiahao's chalet on the 3rd. I was "dis-invited" naturally, because we had just broken up the day before. But.. I crashed it along with Judith, his ex girlfriend of 2 years and 10 months, because we wanted to confront him over various issues. Instead of talking things out with Jiahao however, I chose to settle things with Alwin.

Half wasted was the guy when I questioned him repeatedly over his change of attitude towards me. Stubborn despite everything, he answered with "Go figure", "Life's a bitch than you die" and other such nonsense. It was only when he uttered "When Jiahao was being a fucktard to Judith, were you being a fucktard to me?" did the obvious hit me. It was all about Jiahao. Why, I didn't know. Jealousy? But he never told me anything along the lines of feelings developed. Why would he be jealous because of my relationship with Jiahao?

What gave me the courage to press on was that he didn't push me away. I was holding onto his hand. Afterwards, he leaned on my shoulder and had his arm around me. And we hugged. Priceless moment. Saccherine sweet, and shy awkwardness.

Until Nicholas spoilt it. Couldn't really blame the poor guy, he was drunk. And when he recognized me, he was indignant that I was in the arms of another guy, when Jiahao was wasted inside the room. Unaware of the circumstances (the last time he saw us, Jiahao and I were all lovey-dovey), he began a crusade of questions. "Jov. Why did you choose him over Jiahao? Jiahao is handsome. He's my brother. He's drunk in the room now. Why..?"I don't want to repeat the other insensitive passages mumbled under the influence of the evil of all time, alcohol.

But I guess Win got really affected and offended, and no wonder, and when Nick tried to re-enter the room, he stood up, all sober, and initiated a fight. Jiahao, Iain came out, they tried calming Win down, and yes, Nicholas was extremely apologetic to both Win and me throughout the night.


To be continued.. Emo-ing in progress.

Chronicles; Chapter 1.

; wondering why


Alwin.

I first got acquainted with him in the late months of 2004, and friendship blossomed. And perhaps a little more than that bloomed as well. Vaguely, but distinctly, I can remember our matching msn nicknames. Alwinmyprecious! Jovinamyprecious! My contact in his phone was saved as princess, and his in mine, precious. In addition, we created special groups for each other, Alwin the Asswipe! for him in my msn, and My One & Only for me in his. So much that it was a private joke that we were 'cyber fetishes'. Never met..

2005 came and went in a flash of the eye. Communication gradually dwindled, phonecalls and chats online from daily to infrequent, occasional. I only realised later that I still remained royalty in his msn, the only one with my own group, and that after all these time, despite having MIA-ed from IRC, he still joined my channel, #jovina.

Until 2006, when I started meeting Wanwin. On a ktv planned night, she insisted on me going down to Cine to meet Alwin, Dick and Calvin. So after more than a year, we finally had our first physical interaction. Sufficiently awkward, but it led to more chats online and the random phone calls and texts.

We had our 2nd meeting outside Indochine. This time, it was comfortable and easy, like the reunion of close friends. I was sticking to him like superglue throughout the night, hugging, holding his hand and everything. But before the over active imaginations of you guys start working overtime, let me state that it was platonic, platonic friendship. Even though I was claiming to be his girlfriend throughout the night. Heehee :x

That night I met Jiahao and Iain, ex-schoolmates of Win. And yes, Michelle, now a most treasured lepak-mate of mine, who was with me on that fateful night, starting hanging out together, the four of us, on an almost day to day basis.

Haha. Was reading our logs. No shit, long and full of crap, but very affectionate. Close close buddies, it was clear.

Anyway.. there was one incident when I was supposed to meet Win in town, but I ended up at Toa Payoh with Iain, Jiahao and Mich. Pool. So in a way, I kinda 'dua-ed' him, and left him in town with Dick. But that day, he was perfectly alright, so I didn't realise anything was wrong.

Then it happened. But I'm too tired to continue the story now, it's 6:17 am after all.

And he didn't reply me on msn. ):

; GUESS WHO'S BACK!


(:

I needed a place to release all the heartbreaking angst within, away from the prying eyes of some, but the drama queen yearns for a stage nevertheless to adequately potray all the scenes from the story of her life, and TADAH, this private ranting ground which served so well in the past came to mind. It's good to be back.