pain too private to share.

gotta stop acting the heroine.

all i have left t say?
please.. don't break my heart.

i love you.


moved to another ranting ground.

thought it over.

there's no point in whatever we were doing.

yes, promises may be a deterrence from a third party but at the end of the day.. what will happen, will still happen.

so yes, now we, i, will live without the baggage of promises.

take each day as it comes.

no planning of stuff like.. oh he doesn't love me anymore.. so i must give up on him.
keep things simple, natural.

if my heart tells me i love him, i love him.
if one day i wake up and find myself thinking of him not with love but friendship, then that'll be that.

no more promises.. no more control over each other.

it will hurt dreadfully. the thought of him with someone else and having no right to protest over it.
but maybe this pain will speed up the healing process. i don't know.

i'm not looking for a relationship or someone to love.
everyone will be just a friend.

if one day i find myself looking at a guy with different eyes, of shy fondness maybe..
it wouldn't be deliberate. it'd have just come, on its own.

it's hard for me not to fight for what i want. to just leave it up to fate.
but there is no alternative.
i don't know whether this relationship is beyond salvation.
he's not the person he was, tt i loved.
but i still hope it is possible.

perhaps,
if we truly love each other..
after running circles and circles,
we'll be together once again.

love isn't a game sam.

you tell me this is the price i'm paying for not picking up your calls, or calling you back yesterday. people in love have disagreements. fights. cold wars. but they don't punish their loved ones by finding another partner.

it's too extreme.. and it's irreversible.

both of us, we're not like vic and mengwee. not better, just different.

i think i'm a very forgiving person when it comes to the people i love, but infidelity is too harsh for me to take.

i won't ever be able to look at you, hear your voice or touch you without picturing you with the somebody else.

whether physical or emotional.
whether you really felt for her, or you just wanted to spite me like you said.

i'm weary. i can't manage any intense emotions except for the tears of hurt and sorrow in my eyes.

i have no energy to play mind games.
i take whatever you say at face value.
say what you mean, and mean what you say.

if you love me like you said you do, you will never be able to bring yourself to be with another person.

you wouldn't do something you know there's no turning back from.

i already can't believe that you still love me from the way you talk to me. the lack of calls and texts, the way you never seem to want to talk or meet me.

why then, do you tell me that you do?

if you really have a change of heart.. it wouldn't happen just because i incurred your wrath.
it would be a long term thing, one that started long ago.

which means that you've been lying to me all along.

i don't know.

i can do nothing now.

you've changed your friendster profile.

what does it mean?
what are you talking about?

if you've really fallen for someone new.. i can do nothing but to wish you happiness.
there is no use in me hating you for breaking your promises and lying to me.
as much as it pains me to say this, i hope she brings you love and joy.

i will have to force myself to move on.

if you're going to get a girlfriend to spite me.. don't.
you'll hurt the girl, and yourself in the process.
and because you actually care enough to do it, don't deny that you don't love me anymore.

if it's torment and agony you want me in..
you don't need a girlfriend to do it.
you already reduce me to tears with your words.

i want to ask you now.
demand answers.
what are you really doing?
have you really had a change of heart?

but it's too early to say anything now.

there'll be new girls you'll get to know very soon.

maybe, looking for love, without the reminder that you've a girlfriend or promises with someone who loves you, you'll feel yourself attracted to one of them.

i tremble at the very thought.
i lose my appetite.

i've a nightmare about you and the malaysian girl yesterday.

that got me wondering.. it's been a week since i've met you. and maybe two or three since i've been over to your place.

what logs have i not see? who have you been texting? who have you been calling?

i've never questioned you about this for a long time.

maybe you're right.

you could have fallen in love with another girl without me knowing..
and you just lie that you love me cos you want me to stop bugging you.. or you just don't want to see me with someone else even though you don't love me anymore.

but what kind of love did we share if all these little details bother us so much?

in life we'll always meet new people.
it's your turn this year.
my turn the next.

when we enter the work force there'll be even more people we'll come across.

other couples don't worry that.. hey my guy's going to a new school today. who will he meet.. will he fall in love with a girl and forget me?

they know that they can't be replaced.

why do i not have this feeling of security, even when we were together?

and if he is unable to tell me with convicion that he'll still love me despite the new students,
just how weak is the love, really?

he'll only continue loving me because there is no girl who attracted him in his school?

what is this..

sigh.

i wish we could just have a heart to heart talk, make everything clear..

sigh. this is seriously affecting my mood.

secretletters.blogspot.com.

a subject i've just touched on with someone special, infidelity.

but this one.. there was love.

he really loved the other. although they both had their respective homes.

aaah i feel torn apart.

my personal morals and all against infidelity.. but i can't help feeling intense empathy for the guy.

and fear for myself.

what if this happens to me one day?

my future boyfriend/husband having an emotional and sexual affair with someone else?

a sexual affair is unforgivable.

but it wouldn't hurt as bad as an emotional one.

knowing your other half loves someone else after everything, wedding vows, promises and all.

this is all in the future but i'm very afraid.

i was a coward.

popped eight.. then panicked.

forced down a huge bowl of noodles and ended up vomitting out everything.

including those nasty toxins i hope..

feeling.. not too good but yeah alright.

like the after effects of 28 panadols.

chest heavy.

but still living (:

i don't deny one bit tt i'm fucking scared..

but how bad can it get?

once and it's over..

better than the daily torment i go through.


wtf why must lydia choose this song ytd? air supply - all outta love.


so many things i want to know.. but il never have a chance to.

like the guy who resembled daniel ytd. he said i resembled his ex. il never get to see a picture of her.

il never be able t tell glen tt don't worry, i'm not interested in him.

il never be able to tell vic and wanwin tt i love them.

nor the family.. nor anyone else tt mattered.


but i'm on the brink of desperation.

i'm hanging by a thread.

i'm sorry for being so selfish, but i have to do this.

to all who cares, thank you..

to the one who doesn't, i love you, anyway.

goodbye.

Little Miss Emo's Swan Song


The crimson blood, will merge as one with the clear water, to form a union of pink.

There will be no pain, only release from the worries of life, sin and strife.


Weep not, because she's glad to go.

It is a relief...

Blame no one, for it is the fault of none.

A choice of her own..


The Curtain now falls for Little Miss Emo.

Take a bow.

Thank you.


P.S Flowers.. White Lilies with a single Red Rose. (:

sso many songs i wanna hear but i dont dare t select it man.

why isn't he replying.. is he over at a girl's place?


gotta change my answering machine
now tt i'm alone
cos right now it says tt we
can't come to the phone
and i know it makes no sense
cos you walked out the door
but it's the only way i hear your voice anymore

it's ridiculous
it's been months for some reason i
can't get over us
and i'm stronger than this
enough is enough
no more walking round with ma head down
i'm so over being blue
crying over you

and i'm so sick of love songs
so tired of tears
so done with wishing you were still here
said i'm so sick of love songs
so sad and slow
so why can't i turn off the radio

gotta fix tt calendar i had
tt's marked jan 13th
cos since there's no more you
there's no more anniversary

i'm so fed up with my thoughts of you
and your memories
and now every song reminds me
of what used to be

ooh leave me alone
leave me alone stupid love song
don't make me think about his smile
or having his first child
then letting go
turning of the radio

cos i'm so sick of love songs
so tired of tears
so done with wishing
you were still here
said i'm so sick of love songs
so sad and slow
so why can't i turn off the radio?

why can't i turn off the radio?

the half drunk state was worst.

delirious yet not quite gone.

then we started dirty dancing in the room. lol.

half the time i was thinking of him. another half i was thinking.. fuck it all away man.

the tides of emotion were terrible. like, UP. down. UP. down.

i seem to have alot of stuff to talk about.

if only tears can bring you back to me.

you'll come flying back, cos i've cried litres.

please reply me.. and maybe wake me up from this dream.

he's like a drug tt i know is bad for me.

yet i still crave him.

terribly.

AAAH. HELP..

i will never act one hero again.

sis tah!

sis tah!

wtf is wrong with me.

drinking only gives more pain man. it takes nothing away at all.

only gives for easy sleeping but hey i can manage tt with sleeping pills.

now i'm too groggy, my stomach is churning, i feel like vomitting, constipated..

fucking depressed..

how can i go to ria's party man? i haven't even got her a gift.

fucking hangover..

and still no reply from him.

he really doesn't care anymore.

something must have happened yst..


he swore nothing happened but..

i know. i just know.


god help me.

early in the morning i put breakfast on your table
and made sure tt your coffee has it sugar and cream
your eggs are over easy
your toast done lightly
all tt's missing is your morning kiss tt used to greet me

now you say the juice is sour and it used to be so sweet
and i can't help but to wonder if you're talking bout me
we don't talk the way we used to talk it's hurting so deep

i've got my pride i will not cry
but it's making me weak

i'm not your superwoman
i'm not the kinda girl tt you can let down
and think tt everything's okay

boy i am only human
this girl needs more than an occasional hug as a token of love from you to me

i fought my way through in the shower trying to make it home just for you
i want to make sure tt your dinner will be waiting for you
but when you get here you jus tell me you're not hungry at all
you say you rather read the paper
and you dont want to talk

you like to think i'm just crazy when i say tt you've changed
but i'm convinced i know the problem
you dont love me the same

you're just going through the motions and you're not being fair
i've got my pride i will not cry but i can't help but care

the shower and vomitting has done me good.

feeling more clear minded.. and i'm horrified by what i've texted him.

i'm done everything i could.

there's nothing left to do.

i can't believe i'm still hopelessly in love after hearing what frederick told me.

i should be disgusted.

what is wrong with me?

Whole Again


If you see me walking down the street, staring at the sky, dragging my two feet;

You just pass me by. It still makes me cry.

You can make me whole again

If you see me with another man, laughing and joking, doing what I can.

I won't put you down, cos I want you around.

You can make me whole again.

Looking back on when we first met, I cannot escape and I cannot forget.
Baby you're the one, you still turn me on.

You can make me whole again

Time is laying heavy on my heart, seems like I've got too much of it since we've been apart.

My friends make me smile if only for a while.

You can make me whole again.

For now I'll have to wait.
But baby if you change your mind, don't be too late.
Cos I just can't go on, it's already been too long.
But you can make me whole again.


): Still no reply. Sigh. Maybe he was having lunch with a new girl he just met, that's why he didn't bother. Or maybe they were watching a movie. Or sending her home. Aaah. Enough. I don't want to think anymore. I'll make sure I get wasted before I go home (:

I've always known it was a small Singapore, but finally, finally I fully comprehend how tiny this little island is.

How can something so innocent such as an inter-school friendly develop into a meeting of.. I don't even know how to put it. -__-

I didn't even know Boy was studying in Stansfield until Bart confirmed it earlier.. and I doubt Sam realised that he was the guy with Lei who asked me for a cigarette the other time at Cine.

My more.. colorful past seems to be haunting me, no matter how I try to get away from it.

But.. was it really so terrible?

Yes, I admit I was abit of a tease, and that's putting it mildly. Coquettish, if you please.

Still. I don't think it's anything to be ashamed of. Yeah, it gets a little embarassing when friends recount my flightier days but.. I know it's all in the name of fun.

I wasn't a slut who slept around. Not one single person could, with their conscience intact, approach anyone I might be dating and go "HEY I'VE SCREWED YOUR GIRL! HAHA!" or anything like that.

It doesn't affect the way I am, or how I feel for Sam this very moment.


So please, don't let it upset you..

Dear Sis,

I know how you're feeling right now. I'm not just saying it. You know I really do. I know how it feels to be loving someone who once loved you back too.

It's beyond painful. Way above the normal threshold of pain a person can take. It's capable of tearing people apart, just wondering whether there's any love left to hold on to.

I'm in no position to instruct you on what you should do. But I feel a little advice from a concerned sister is dued in your situation.

You admitted it yourself, you feel like a concubine. That's one way of putting it nicely. I could use words like mistress. Vixen, an adulterous couple, to be even harsher.

Conscience versus love. Which would you choose? Is it love, or lust girl? Have you made up your mind?

Either way, he doesn't deserve you. Nor his girlfriend. He's cheating on her with you. And you. You're being cheated by him. Willingly. Knowing you're not his only one. Just think, whatever he's doing with you, he will do with his girlfriend. Maybe the very next day. Doesn't that cut you deeper than leaving him.. and moving on with life?

Silly girl.. you deserve so much more. It's a huge world out there. Please.. wake up from your reverie.

Whatever your decision, I'll stand by your side. There's no right or wrong in the court of love. But I just hope you'll make the one that will end your state of pain and more pain.

We'll drink it all away later, aight? (:


I love you,
Jov

i must be hurting more than i thought. or rather, than i allowed myself to feel.

not so brave and self sacrificing after all.

i woke up regretting what i've done. :
his i love you came too little, too late i guess. sigh.
but at least he's happy that the biggest bitch has left his confundly happy existence.

that explains why i've vomitted my entire breakfast. (the brain and intestine link, remember?)

oh yes and i woke up late too ): i have miserable black rings around my eyes.

and i can't see for nuts cos i can't put my contacts on. hurts and it jus refuses to go in. little bugger.

i'm so not going to the hospital for a check up.

no no no no no.

all i need is another cigarette. but i'm out of them. i forgot to bring my new pack to school.

sick i tell you.

i want to go home, but i've an important literature lesson later.

sucks i tell you.

i want to just live in my own silent little world with no interference, but no, people just can't leave me alone to it.

for goodness sake i'm not fucking attached to someone i barely know.

cutest guy in school so what? tt's only because st francis has a severe shortage of cute guys this yr.

and please i think he's too short for me. we probably look more like siblings than a couple but anyway.

we're just FRIENDS.. i borrowed a lighter cos i FORGOT mine.

at least in lit people know to bug off when i sat down by myself in the corner of the room instead of my usual seat.

need a doctor. but there's no time. tuition, singing lessons, and maybe ktv today. -_-

wish i can jus screw it all.

whats the point in occupying myself with so many plans for this weekend when i don't feel the slightest bit of inclination to go or have fun. my timetable's so brimming tt it makes me weary.

i'm not even feeling very well.

i just want to mope and sulk at home. sulk tt i'm sick and nobody's taking care of me. no tlc ):

oh yes and take neoprints with the exbaby.

tt's all i want to do. i'm so obessed with this take neoprint with him thing.

i think i'm sick in the brain as well.

i miss his voice the monotonous HELLO he uses.
the way he looks like a puffer fish when he blows.
his kisses hugs sucks licks and warmth.
i miss his cologne his huge appetite.
just cuddling in bed talking.
seeing him first thing in the morning and last thing at night.
him putting on my shoes carrying my bag wiping my fingers
making out three times a day and giggling when someone calls in the middle of the session
his silly antics and the way he whines about not hugging him
heck even his deprivedness and annoyingness hahaha.

days with no insecurity, no tears, no pain.

ok i think i'm really very sick. going to the canteen to beg for a cig.

i can go on and on bout more stupid stuff but.

shall not write anymore.

I know you're reading this.


I stand by what I said. It's up to you to bisect whatever I said into bits and pieces and find ways to put me down.

As long as it makes you happy, it doesn't really matter anymore.


Yes,
It will hurt me terribly if I one day know you've fallen in love with someone new. Whether you do change your mind and have another girlfriend is secondary. What matters is that your heart, your soul, your body, little Sammie, everything won't belong to me anymore.

But it cuts me deeper to think of you torturing yourself.
It pains me to see you less than happy.

I don't know what caused it.

School? Money?
Another girl? Sigh.. It's hard for me to think about that.

But I don't want to be a factor your stress and unhappiness anymore.


You're a free man now Sam.

No more promises to me. No more reserving yourself for me.

This is what you wanted, and what I selfishly denied you.

All I wanted was for you to want and love me. For you to care..
I meant no harm, I only wanted to love you with everything I have.

It was a mistake.

My holding on didn't cause you joy.

It was something unwanted. Forced upon you.

I'm sorry.


This is not guilt like you think.

You were the one who didn't want me. You chose to cancel your promises of love and faithfulness. How many times did you tell me, do what you like, Jovina. I don't care anymore?

I loved you like I said I would. You? You fell out of love with me.

Every harsh word or action cut me like a knife.

Until now I still wonder what was in the mail you sent H. What you've done with her. Whether you've cheated on me.

But I kept it all inside.


Losing you will kill me. But losing me might just be your resurrection.

Please, be happy and look after yourself.


For the last time...

I love you Samuel Darling.

Always will.

Take care of yourself for me baby.

Please..

GRRR.

annoyed or amused.

i really am in a dilemma towards how to react and feel. -_-

his immature burst of tantrum. his harsh words.

for now i'm telling myself he's only jealous because he loves you.

who knows how true is that.

maybe when i'm having my emo moments i'll realise he doesn't even like me anymore which is why he talks to me so nastily.

wow and it's shann now, not the ahlien huh.

impressive.

maybe i really should accept dates from guys. for all i know he's been dating and making out with girls already.


sigh i guess we can forget about taking neoprints together ):

Dirty Little Secret.


I was a compulsive liar.

I don't deny that fact. It happens often, almost subconciously. Then the damage is done.

But being an expert liar, I'll almost always find a way to veil my tale.

Be it a 100 other lies or another 1000 people to fool.

If I want to, of course.

There are other times I use my gift for fabrication shamelessly to my advantage.

The art of manipulation.


This might be the basis for my distaste for trickery, having lived in a convoluted web of lies and deceit for a long time.

It is one of the few things I cannot accept, and do not forgive.


Perhaps that's why Sam's so special.

He never fails to awe with his complete, if somewhat brutal honesty..

Maybe it's just me, but I'd tell a little white lie simply to get out of explaining an intricate situation.

I hope I never find out that he too, like others, has the capability to lie, especially to me, without batting an eyelid.


Okay I know I have more to say but going to town has interrupted my train of thoughts. :\

Re-sort-ment.


Moving on doesn't necessarily constitute giving up.

It simply means living life the best way I can. With, or without him.


Sam didn't fall in love with the needy leech of a human being I've turned to.

Neither did my friends bargain for the depressed persona I've gained.


Thankfully, that was a non-permanent state, an alter ego that I fully intend to be rid of.


I'm healing.

Rebirth, with a difference.

To be an even better homo-sapien than I once was.


I still love him(:

all my life, despite the double digit list of boyfriends i had, and numerous flings i've lost count of, i've never given my all. 100% of the best of me. maybe.. 70%?

yes, i do reward the devoted with an occasional sweet gesture. i considered.. a text outta the blue, or a good night phone call very touch-worthy already.

why? i've often wondered that myself. why do i jeopardise perfectly good relationships the way i do, by not cherishing them?

i used to be the golden girl in everyone's eyes.

well-off, doting parents, a tight-knit famiy, and was exceptionally close to both the girls and the guys everyone wanted to know, and always, always a hot and adoring boyfriend by my side.

'cool' perhaps?
picked up smoking at 13, passed off 18 and starting clubbing at 14, hung out with people at least a good 5 years older than myself.

i loved the attention, the popularity, spotlight. i love the fact that i could call anyone at anywhere and be picked up. to be delivered food when i'm hungry, affection when i'm lonely.

to be flattered, cuddled, utterly spoiled by those who 'liked/loved/whatever-it-was' me.


boyfriends would eventually get jealous.

"tough luck. bear with it, this is me."

their protectiveness and possesion would gradually get overbearing and then, tada i would drop them like a hot potato. i never let anyone say i belonged to anyone. i'm my own person.

i wasn't willing to give up the lifestyle of glamour and convenience.

convenience, because a number was better than one, right?


to be chased, wanted by many.
to tease, to flirt, to just have fun and break hearts in the process.


things are different now.


i want to settle down, with someone i really love and who loves me back.
not the attention of random people, nor the flirtation with any other guy.

to be the perfect girlfriend.
i actually realised i enjoyed spoiling my ex boyfriend.

surprise visits, special deliverys,
jus those sudden hugs and kisses.

sigh.


what an analysis.

i've really changed, haven't i?

it's coming back again.

it happened about the same time last night, same trigger.

the racing heartbeat, difficulty in breathing,

the spacey feeling where the every rational thought leaves the mind.


i read about it by accident.

this is classified as a personality disorder.

an emotion or thought experienced, one that the victim(as we shall call it) is unable to handle, either because it's too strong and painful, or because she knows that it's something she's not supposed to feel, or even a combination.

a forbidden emotion. like anger, jealousy.

since the mind can't handle whatever the victim's feeling, in essence, it becomes an extremely strong anxiety attack.

that's why there's trouble with catching of breaths and increased heartbeat.

if the response trigged is too powerful, the victim enters a dissociated state. where the mind goes blank until the threatening feeling dissipates. like fainted, but conscious.

over time, the victim will realise that pain inflicted ends this state by focusing the mind.

so, self hurt occurs to concentrate on it rather than the mental pain one can't accept.


i have to control this.

eventually, eventually.

we'll see what happens after the second and third intake.

his worth. or non-worth(:

I am so useless.

I thought everything was getting better, on the road to recovery from my constant vomitting and my attachment to him.

Everything was fine today.

Except for the barffing of my breakfast and dinner.

And the nightmare about him my mom woke me up from.


Immersed myself in my books until 10 minutes ago..

Then a panic attack and I lost it all.

I can pretend to be as cynical, jaded, hard-as-stone as I was, but so much just to save the already burnt-out wounds of my pride?


Reduced to a laughable, whimpering wreck of tears.

And the worst thing is, he's being so cold, he doesn't miss me at all..

Then look at me!


Disgraceful. Weak.

Pathetic. I can't think of a better word.

Wow.


I was the usual 5 - 10 minutes late for school, missed assembly and all the 'perks' that came with it, yes, noises that subjects the average student's eardrums to bits and pieces.

So, was sauntering to class when I bumped into Izz who went:

"JOV, YOU MISSED IT BECAUSE YOU WERE NOT HERE FOR ASSEMBLY!"


??? What was THAT about?


Okay, apparently, they announced names of Secondary 4 students who've been skipping classes and those poor guys receieved scoldings in masses.

And my name was propaganded too.. -.-

I have enough publicity in St. Francis to last me the rest of my life but anyway..


Pleased that I've managed to luck out of a boring enlightening lecture, I continued to class..

Singling had to go "JOV, MDM TEO IS LOOKING FOR YOU."

ARGH! I knew this was going to happen when Melvin Teo called Jeremy down. KNEW IT!


Peeped into the classroom where I thought they were and TADA!

"HERE'S JOVINA!" says Melvin Teo.

): I thought I was fortunate.. I didn't expect "special treatment".

There was only five of us: Jeremy, Nicholas, Soo Nam, Zi Long & myself.


So.. here we go again, I thought, bracing myself but..


SURPRISE!

No lecture, no reprimand, no nagging!

Just a gentle pep talk, the typical "we're here, reaching out for you!" kinda thing.

I was even commended for trying to change and coming to school!

Teehee.


Like Soo Nam said, "Worst of them all."

We all smoke. Four of us were notorious from smoking and skipping lesson offences last year.

So yeah, here you go.


Lifestyles of the Rich & Infamous in St. Francis Methodist.


LOL.

Just a joke, I'm not rich. They are. (:

Startling Developments


Welcome back to the singles club Jov.

Welcome back.

Stars & Wishes.


The window grilles effectively barricades the sight of any glittery star in the velvety expanse of pitch-black.

Still, I wish upon the little clear one Baby made for me this weekend.

Under the pillow it'll hide tonight, for a guarantee of saccherine sweet dreams.


Starlight, starbright
First star I see tonight
Wish I may, wish I might
Have the wish I wish tonight


A beautiful week, month, year lifetime ahead of us, and it wouldn't seem enough.


I love you Sam.

Love me, too? :D

I can't believe I actually kinda snapped at him. :O

And I can't believe I'm actually feeling GUILTY over it.

Poison


I wanna love you but I but I better not touch.

Your cruel device
Your blood like ice
One look could kill
My pain your thrill

I wanna love you but I better not touch
I wanna hold you but my senses tell me to stop
I wanna kiss you but I want it too much
I wanna taste you but your lips are venomous poison

Your mouth so hot
Your web i'm caught
Your skin so wet
Black lace on sweat

I hear you calling and it's needles and pins
I wanna hurt you just to hear you screaming my name
Don't wanna touch you but you're under my skin

You're poison running through my veins
You're poison
I don't wanna break these chains

Running deep inside my veins
Poison burning deep inside my veins

I wanna love you... but.

why is everything so difficult?


woke at 9am.

felt suffocated.

forced myself to lay half-awake in bed until almost 4pm.

heart seemed to have cease its rhythmic beating.


i can't find the words to adequately express how i'm feeling.

just two words perhaps,

extreme pain.

i cannot bear to read my own blog posts.

of bliss,
of happier times, in sadjovina.

the thought of reading through the previous two entries daunts me as well.

beware, beware, of thoughts that come in the night.

and please.. i am merely releasing. this is my only outlet.

don't judge me, if only because i no longer have the strength for it.

at the start, everytime we kissed, i saw another face.

everytime we touched, intimate moments, i never failed to feel guilt towards someone else.


when the chinese song, the one who loves me and the one i love,

i sang of him. myself. and another one who is far away.


maybe, just maybe, judgement day has arrived.

am i living on for myself, or for the people who loves me?

i really am tired..

i really do not know..


spring cleaning of the room resulted in the re-appearances of two, very different sets of letters.

one, from myself to the one i loved, whom until now i have no idea ever felt the same or not, from late september last year to january, maybe even feb of this year.

another, from someone who loved me, from early january.. until late march.. hopefully april.. and with even more hope but i cannot make myself believe it.. this very moment.


i saw his profile today.

i have no idea whether i am the one mentioned, but i cannot help the guilt that aroused from it.

daniel, daniel, was i wrong in moving on?

you told me to do so. with not little pain, i felt.

am i paying for forsaking you. having the one i chose forsake me now.

i could blame you for not giving me any reason to hold on.

i could curse you for not speaking your mind, if you're now referring to me.

perhaps, now, i wouldn't be suffering like you are.

the buying your shoulder joke was my territory. so were the dimples. did i tell you then, that i loved your dimples?

are these the reasons why they're in your shoutout now?


baby.. baby.. can i still call you that?

are you still my own?

will you shun me like i did you? hurt me like i hurt you?

everything you said i am feeling it now.

i love you. do not ever leave. what in life would i have if you're gone? you're my pillar of strength. you're what keeps me going.

have all this now become meaningless to you?

all your promises turn to naught?

you don't have to tell me, because you've shown me clearly.

i know.


how can i blame him for breaking everything he said?

if he one day tear, rip apart my love notes in front of another girl he loved like he once did for me?

after all, i allowed him, although in tears, to burn away a picture of myself and the one i loved.. the sweetest gift everyone thought it was.

i too, relinquished the responsibility of love towards another.


is this what they call karma..

is this what i'm paying for now?

Ectasy without pills, the unparalleled antidote.

Priceless elixir in only limited quantities.

Inexhaustible beads of shiny fluid. Immense bleeding of the soul.

Culmination of this momentary phenomenon:

My heaven-sent.

Thank you for talking to me so nicely baby.

I hope you'll be good and keep your promises.. I will too, I'll prove it to you the way you requested, not entertaining any guys at all and only being close to girls(:


Everytime I miss him I'll remember the amused smile he'll give whenever I get too.. uh.. suggestive ^^ for my own good and I'll melt inside.

Ahaha yes collect myself in a bottle and place myself in the freezer.


I think I'm gonna be the perfect mother besides ideal wife in future.

Guess what I've been doing every spare minute I have nowadays?


BONDING WITH A MOST PROBABLY NON-EXISTENT FOETUS.

I find it hard to believe myself.

I read it somewhere on an inducing miscarridge website. And no I really don't think I'm gonna be a mom anytime soon or anything like that.

It somewhat gives me peace though. Stroking my tummy, talking to an entity that is my own flesh and blood, that can't judge me.

"Hello Honey... it's Mommy ... I love you but I'm not ready for you ... no it's not Daddy's fault ... "

Yada yada yada. Blab blab blab.


Maybe I need a psychologist. -__-

I know it sounds really insane but I'm not. I just really need someone to talk to.


The doctor was good.

Turns out, the brain and intestines are closely linked. Some believe that there's a brain in the intestines. Whenever the brain experiences extreme emotions, like euphoria, fury, depression.. it affects the intestines, which probably resulted in my nausea, vomitting and lack of appetite.

He asked me about my emotional upheaval, and gave pretty insightful advice.

"Judge a guy by how he treats others. When he is interested he'll treat you like a princess. But you don't know how he is to others. Take a close look at how he behaves when he's being nasty. One day, that nastiness might be directed to you. "

"If he really loves you, he'll forgive, forget and adjust. You're very young. That's why you feel so strongly about this. You tend to think he's the one. But when one door closes, another opens. Maybe you'll feel terrible now. But when you're older you might feel that it's just so silly. Go out, have fun. Meet more people."


If I don't get better in two days, I'll have to go back.

Anti-depressants needed maybe.

I'm feeling okay now though. Hope it lasts.

Home sweet home.


Thought I was getting better but the same thing happened.

One MINISCULE piece of chicken and...

The extent of how weak I was? I couldn't even raise my hand for more than 20 secs to flag a cab ):


I realised though, that my physical state affects my emotions most effectively.

While I was feeling unwell my thoughts tended towards dark and gloomy.


"Is this just an excuse to end it all with me? Am I the only deluded one who doesn't see it?"


I feel miserable not talking to him. I feel even more miserable arguing with him all the time.

So whether we do communicate or not there isn't much of a difference.

I don't feel the slightest indication of joy at all, and I don't see a way of turning the situation around.

Throw in the nausea and tada! The perfect reasons to end this pathetic excuse of a life.


It's really ironic though.

Okay, I admit I'm actually growing quite fond of my life.

If I don't do anything foolish it might probably be because I know that though right now it doesn't seem like it will ever go away, in time it too, will pass, and I'll regret throwing everything away.

The bigger factor though, is that I fear never seeing him again if I never open my eyes again.


Now that I'm feeling better, I'm looking at things in a more positive light.


Perhaps this temporary hiatus will do us good.

Allow us time to rediscover ourselves and re-examine our priorities, heal, and fall in love all over again.

We were doing this the wrong way. I clung on desperately to the notion of who he was, and he couldn't stomach the person that I now am.

I think it's crucial for us to fully grasp the idea that we've both changed, for the better or worst, because of each other's idiosyncrasies in the past 3 months, and work together on the art of acceptance.


We deserve another chance at this.


Recently changed upon two guys I was previously.. more than a little interested in. I remember thinking at the start of our relationship, that I would choose either one of them over him.

But now.. even though they appear more eligible, more desirable in various ways, I'll still choose him. Even knowing there are people who are better-off in some ways out there, he's still my pick, my choice.

What is this if not the beautiful thing they call Love?


Plans with the girlfriends this weekend. No guys. Anticipating it, hope the body will be good and not let me down (:

* All I Ask of You



(M)
No more talk of darkness
Forget these wide-eyed fears
I'm here, nothing can harm you
My words will warm and calm you

Let me be your freedom
Let daylight dry your tears
I'm here, with you, beside you
To guard you and to guide you

(F)
Say you'll love me every waking moment
Turn my head with talk of summer time
Say you need me with you now and always
Promise me that all you say is true
That's all I ask of you

(M)
Let me be your shelter
Let me be your light
You're safe, no one will find you
Your fears are far behind you

(F)
All I want is freedom
A world with no more night
And you, always beside me
To hold me and to hide me

(M)
Then say you'll share with me one love, one lifetime
Let me lead you from your solitude
Say you need me with you here, beside you
Anywhere you go, let me go too
Christine, that's all I ask of you

(F)
Say you'll share with me one love, one lifetime
Say the word and I will follow you

(Both)
Share each day with me, each night, each morning

(F)
Say you love me

(M)
You know I do

(Both)
Anywhere you go, let me go too

Love me, that's all I ask of you.

I wish I know what's going on within and with-out me.


I've become so needy.

I've become so obsessed.

Who I am hates who I've become. Loathes with a vengeance.


I really hate to stress him. I've managed to restrain myself from asking, from making him clarify every single doubt I have. But sometimes I can't seem to help the questions.

Honestly.. the questioning gives me more stress than it probably does him.

Firstly I worry about his answer. Secondly I worry that he would lose his temper.. blow, and leave me.


The emotional-wise factors are not the only thing drowning me into a swirling whirlpool of insatiable pain. There's a physical aspect as well.


My body is wrecking havoc on me.

I haven't eaten a proper meal for at least a week.

Every attempt I try at consuming food, however meagre I will get queasy and heave it all up within.. 60 minutes?

Nauseous all the time. Not to mention fatigue.

And cold. Everyone who knows me well knows I can't stand the heat. A few minutes in the sun gets me whining incessantly like a spoilt brat. Nowadays, I'm freezing. In the class rooms, at Macs, at home.


I'm afraid of knowing what's wrong with me.

My brother suspects, my mom has been asking..


Sigh. I hope it's just a simple case of a slight eating disorder. Okay, an eating disorder isn't exactly nothing to worry about but compared with what it might be. It's nothing. I'll probably be the most jubliant person on earth. Celebrating to hear that she has an eating disorder.


I'm keeping my fingers crossed that my paranoia, and almost permanent morose state of depression state is due to a lack of sleep and deteriorating health.

It's making me a beast. An insecure, emo beast who irritates the hell outta me.

No time and energy for all of this. 24 hours a day isn't even adequate for me.

I've got my O's to do. Weight to lose. My brother to keep an eye on. Friendships to develop and maintain. Someone to pamper, cherish and love.


I'm afraid if this keeps up he will choose to leave me for good.


Where is the one of the past, who loved me deeply and unconditionally?

The one I fell in love with?

Is resurrection impossible, are you gone for eternity..

Or have you simply lost your way through the wearisome maze of a taxing life? If I need you badly enough and seek you hard enough, can I find you once again?

Recipe for LOVE <3



One full packet of loyalty and trust,
One large bowl of respect, character,
a dash of childishness to enjoy life's infantile pleasures,
14 tablespoons of romanticism,
a pinch of insanity,
two overflowing cups of gentleness,
one brimming teaspoon of empathy,
2198gm of humour,
30ml of spontaneity,
a wallop of wit, cheekiness and candour,
and a whole lot of sprinkling of love to share.

Bake him well, with the warmth of my heart (: