it's coming back again.

it happened about the same time last night, same trigger.

the racing heartbeat, difficulty in breathing,

the spacey feeling where the every rational thought leaves the mind.


i read about it by accident.

this is classified as a personality disorder.

an emotion or thought experienced, one that the victim(as we shall call it) is unable to handle, either because it's too strong and painful, or because she knows that it's something she's not supposed to feel, or even a combination.

a forbidden emotion. like anger, jealousy.

since the mind can't handle whatever the victim's feeling, in essence, it becomes an extremely strong anxiety attack.

that's why there's trouble with catching of breaths and increased heartbeat.

if the response trigged is too powerful, the victim enters a dissociated state. where the mind goes blank until the threatening feeling dissipates. like fainted, but conscious.

over time, the victim will realise that pain inflicted ends this state by focusing the mind.

so, self hurt occurs to concentrate on it rather than the mental pain one can't accept.


i have to control this.