I wish I know what's going on within and with-out me.


I've become so needy.

I've become so obsessed.

Who I am hates who I've become. Loathes with a vengeance.


I really hate to stress him. I've managed to restrain myself from asking, from making him clarify every single doubt I have. But sometimes I can't seem to help the questions.

Honestly.. the questioning gives me more stress than it probably does him.

Firstly I worry about his answer. Secondly I worry that he would lose his temper.. blow, and leave me.


The emotional-wise factors are not the only thing drowning me into a swirling whirlpool of insatiable pain. There's a physical aspect as well.


My body is wrecking havoc on me.

I haven't eaten a proper meal for at least a week.

Every attempt I try at consuming food, however meagre I will get queasy and heave it all up within.. 60 minutes?

Nauseous all the time. Not to mention fatigue.

And cold. Everyone who knows me well knows I can't stand the heat. A few minutes in the sun gets me whining incessantly like a spoilt brat. Nowadays, I'm freezing. In the class rooms, at Macs, at home.


I'm afraid of knowing what's wrong with me.

My brother suspects, my mom has been asking..


Sigh. I hope it's just a simple case of a slight eating disorder. Okay, an eating disorder isn't exactly nothing to worry about but compared with what it might be. It's nothing. I'll probably be the most jubliant person on earth. Celebrating to hear that she has an eating disorder.


I'm keeping my fingers crossed that my paranoia, and almost permanent morose state of depression state is due to a lack of sleep and deteriorating health.

It's making me a beast. An insecure, emo beast who irritates the hell outta me.

No time and energy for all of this. 24 hours a day isn't even adequate for me.

I've got my O's to do. Weight to lose. My brother to keep an eye on. Friendships to develop and maintain. Someone to pamper, cherish and love.


I'm afraid if this keeps up he will choose to leave me for good.


Where is the one of the past, who loved me deeply and unconditionally?

The one I fell in love with?

Is resurrection impossible, are you gone for eternity..

Or have you simply lost your way through the wearisome maze of a taxing life? If I need you badly enough and seek you hard enough, can I find you once again?