all my life, despite the double digit list of boyfriends i had, and numerous flings i've lost count of, i've never given my all. 100% of the best of me. maybe.. 70%?

yes, i do reward the devoted with an occasional sweet gesture. i considered.. a text outta the blue, or a good night phone call very touch-worthy already.

why? i've often wondered that myself. why do i jeopardise perfectly good relationships the way i do, by not cherishing them?

i used to be the golden girl in everyone's eyes.

well-off, doting parents, a tight-knit famiy, and was exceptionally close to both the girls and the guys everyone wanted to know, and always, always a hot and adoring boyfriend by my side.

'cool' perhaps?
picked up smoking at 13, passed off 18 and starting clubbing at 14, hung out with people at least a good 5 years older than myself.

i loved the attention, the popularity, spotlight. i love the fact that i could call anyone at anywhere and be picked up. to be delivered food when i'm hungry, affection when i'm lonely.

to be flattered, cuddled, utterly spoiled by those who 'liked/loved/whatever-it-was' me.


boyfriends would eventually get jealous.

"tough luck. bear with it, this is me."

their protectiveness and possesion would gradually get overbearing and then, tada i would drop them like a hot potato. i never let anyone say i belonged to anyone. i'm my own person.

i wasn't willing to give up the lifestyle of glamour and convenience.

convenience, because a number was better than one, right?


to be chased, wanted by many.
to tease, to flirt, to just have fun and break hearts in the process.


things are different now.


i want to settle down, with someone i really love and who loves me back.
not the attention of random people, nor the flirtation with any other guy.

to be the perfect girlfriend.
i actually realised i enjoyed spoiling my ex boyfriend.

surprise visits, special deliverys,
jus those sudden hugs and kisses.

sigh.


what an analysis.

i've really changed, haven't i?